My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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