I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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