I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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