Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
