Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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