i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
