Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
