Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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