you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
