sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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