If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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