Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
pray to the hookup gods
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
