He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
