you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
