do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
