I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
