It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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