Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
