Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
