My sheets look like a crime scene.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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