I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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