Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
