Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So many bounce houses so little time
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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