I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Are we still banned from the library?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
