Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
