dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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