The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
