It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
