Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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