I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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