I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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