They should really pass out barf bags in church
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
