I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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