I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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