Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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