i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
