plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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