hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
