I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
