he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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