my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
well you can't waste a boner
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
