im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize