Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
