dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
