New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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