I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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