Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
