Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
