I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
