I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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