Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
