I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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