he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Success! We fucked roommates!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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