You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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