Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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