All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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