Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
