So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
